Funny Messages

2016-06-03 05:23:25 Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work. Open / Comment

2016-06-03 05:22:07 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason. Open / Comment

2016-06-03 05:21:46 If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress? Open / Comment

2016-06-03 05:20:26 Yo momma is so fat when she went to KFC the cashier asked, "What size bucket?" and yo momma said, "The one on the roof." Open / Comment

2016-06-03 05:19:58 Yo momma's so fat, that when she fell, no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up. Open / Comment

2016-06-03 05:19:45 Yo momma is so stupid when an intruder broke into her house, she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldn't find the "CALL" button. Open / Comment

2016-06-03 05:19:09 A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!” Open / Comment

2016-06-03 05:18:42 Yo momma is so fat her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does. Open / Comment

2016-06-03 05:18:10 Yo momma's so dumb, when y'all were driving to Disneyland, she saw a sign that said "Disneyland left," so she went home. Open / Comment

2016-06-03 05:17:40 On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof. Open / Comment