Here is what they don't tell you about grief: When you are sta | Scribbles

Here is what they don't tell you about grief:
When you are standing on a taxi queue and someone touches your shoulder by accident,
when you are walking and the bag you are carrying gets a little bit heavier,
when the sun is shining at noon and you are trying to find a spot to hide in,
that's when it sneaks in and hits on you.
Because the thing about grief is it never comes when it's suppose to.

I pressed resume and went back to the screen I was watching the minute I knew you were gone.
Come to think of it she never actually said it out loud.
And I pretended I didn't understand what her eyes were screaming just for a few minutes of normalcy.
Before. And after.

What they don't tell you about grief is that it's like a burning fire.
And you would flinch and go further from it if the least bit of flame touched you.
You run.
And I ran.
If she hadn't told me she wouldn't be able to stop me if I ran, I guess I would probably be still running.
Was I walking?

What they don't acknowledge about grief is that it gets so loud inside once you realize bits of it.
A loud screeching voice.
And you can only scream to stop it.
Nobody warns you when you do, your scream gets reciprocated and you hear a louder version of it.
Make - it - stop - please!

Someone should have told me to write your story.
I don't like what they came up with.
Granted, I don't remember it.
But also, I'm pretty sure I don't like it.
I should have written it.

Because what they don't say when they 'commomerate death' is everytime you hear your loved one's name being screamed, they take all the breath and tear you have to offer with it.
Bit by bit.

They say 'unable are the loved to die'
when really it's those who are left with the loss that get killed.
So.
I wonder.
Do you live through me,
or did I die when you did?

Because what they don't tell you with absence is, it's always the little things.
Like when you are trying to put a glass on the top shelf you can't reach, and it slips.
You shatter it to pieces.
And then,
You
Simply
Break
Along
With
It.

I wonder.
Whatever happened to your clothes?
And why are all these photos blurry?
But hey, thank God for that video I took as a joke
which reminds me, I should take one of everybody.

Because what they don't tell you when you lose someone is,
it's a scar on your forehead, for everyone to see.

And what they don't tell you about a funeral is, it'll take you years to actually attend
to go down that memory lane.
And when you finally do, you die again.

【Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night - Edna St Vincent Millay】


#RANDOM_THOUGHTS