I never found ignorance to be a bliss but lately I find myself | Scribbles

I never found ignorance to be a bliss but lately I find myself craving the innocence I lost,
the one I happily traded for knowledge
the sleep I gave up to be woke.
Lately,
I find anxiety and panic attacks in the truth I discover instead of a peace of mind.
And every time these new information pile up - I forget.

I forget my favorite food (because it eventually gave me pain)
I forget the ink (I ran from both pen and pain)
(Best believe the pain catches up though.)
I forget how to read
I forget how to sleep
and sometimes I'm scared I'll wake up one day and forget to grin.
These lemons and lemonades are too sour to sip.

And lately I wonder if I had taken on these experiences I was not ready to take on
should I have not let him hold my hands
or be as close?
Should I perhaps not let anyone read these thoughts?
Because I keep wondering lately,
whatever happened to the person that instantly pulled a smile
when you were down and needed cheering up badly?
Do you remember the person that spinned around unconsciously?
That danced with no rythym and melody?

Because lately,
I have been missing the child I used to be.
Back when I didn't know the country I love is so broken, that she doesn't have an ounce to love, let alone me.
I miss ignorant me.

Because every time I seek some knowledge
and I think I'm on a path to something true
all these information keep piling up
and I forget you.
I forget.

I forget what it is like to trust
or to believe in someone completely
to let someone, no questions asked
damn, all those notebooks and pens you got me.
(You.)
You never asked what I wrote in them
you just knew I did and boasted to anyone who would listen proudly.
You.
You.
You.
(I miss you.)

And lately, I miss the child I used to be
the one that sacrified sleep for words, but in the morning rose out of bed effortlessly.
I miss writing about things I have no idea about
I miss imagination,
I'm no creator
but I miss something close to creation.

And lately,
I keep thinking I'd give up all these knowledges to bring back the innocence in me.

Knowledge is power they say
but I'd bring back the child I casted away
because the things I keep learning
don't feel like power anyway.

I forgot her.
I forgot you.
I think I'm also starting to forget him too.
And all those 'innocent' things I unconsciously used to do.

And I keep sinking.
I'm forgetting to believe.
My wandering, once again, has led me to the middle of the sea,
but I don't know how to swim.
What fool leaves the shore without learning that particular skill?

(Too low.)

And it is on days like these I hate.
Mad for the ones You took away
for the ones that left.
Utterly pissed for the messes they made
mistakes that are supposed to be fixed by the ones that stayed,
because in my culture it's taboo to speak ill of the dead.

And as of late,
I keep remembering the child I was and lay in defeat
regulating my breath and counting my heartbeat.
I stay awake,
wondering why I can't do one simple task
and get out of bed.

It is on days like these I miss the rain
even though I am a die hard fan of the sun,
I forget how to lie on these papers
and write anything but random.


#RANDOM_THOUGHTS