Every emotion passes through me like an electric shock, leavin | Every Day Poems

Every emotion passes through me like an electric shock, leaving no visible marks yet causing irreparable damage to something deep within me. I know there are people who love me yet I do not know how to feel it. Why am I so hollow? My body is a vessel transporting feelings that do not pause. I see them travelling but I do not feel them. There is a restlessness planting its roots into every corner of my soul. It is not something missing but something absent that causes me to sense the numbed pain that should be sharp yet surprises me a moment then leaves. My life has become a cyclical, monotone sequence. I observe everything that occurs and wonder when I became trapped in the loop. But I do not dare to wish for a change; the only thing I can determine is that it could only get worse. So I’m stuck between wishing I could break free and the fear of falling into the volcano I’ve been dancing around. Even the troubles have become a part of the rotation. Something bad happens and for a few days tempers are brittle and we’re all walking on eggshells. And then we spend the next few days either working through the aftermath or pretending it never happened. And then for a few weeks everything is ‘peaceful’ and ‘normal’ punctuated occasionally by somebody’s mood swings; though the devil that calls itself routine continues to gnaw at me. Nevertheless, someone says something dumb or does something stupid and there we go again. The wise voice of reason seems unable to think of a long-term solution. My own fickle existence always seems to be mostly absent. It manifests in the occasional bouts of frustration, in the irritation accompanying any slight hint of anticipation like a part of me is whispering: you don't deserve to be happy, yet you cannot survive being sad. Every cup of tea I drink, every page I flip, every fantasy I indulge in mocks me. It murmurs: I am not enough of an escape or a distraction anymore, I am only a reminder, an indication of everything absent. I have lost something crucial. But how can you lose something you never found? I guess you're only able to misplace something that only existed as a mirage. I daydream incessantly. Until I can’t. Then my own mood takes a downward spiral and I’m abandoned in the valley of no sky. I look forward only to the night. When I can sleep, breath, dream. Sometimes I wake energetic, sometimes lethargic. But invariably, my perfect day ends. Most of the emotions I do feel are not mine. My disposition is like a sponge, it absorbs everyone’s auras (as long as they’re negative it appears). It’s hard when you understand everyone’s reasoning but they all plead for different things. Someone once told me that ‘one day I’ll mature enough to see the grays in between instead of only the black and white’. Black and white vision is giving the impression of being very appealing right now. But unfortunately, the grays are all discernible and are currently very ugly. I'm in this state of mind where I need something to distract me yet every suggestion bores me. I come across as unreasonable, cranky, antisocial. But I do not believe I am any of those things. I have reasons that contradict each other, I am prone to melancholia and I crave solitude. I cannot comprehend how they are the same thing. Flaws Vs. Nature. I do see my faults though. Fortunately, I have ceased reciting mantras of self-hate though it is still sprinkled through my inner monologue. Maybe I do need someone to talk to but I don’t think that anybody around me has the strength of mind to handle my venting. I wouldn’t overstep somebody’s boundaries or poke their wounds in order to let mine heal. Still there are many notions I do not dare write, speak or even think about. But those too have found their way into the cycle. There isn’t much else to say. I’m just struggling to smother the void in me.