Scribbles

2022-04-20 18:22:53 The day you couldn't get out of bed
Is an ordinary day
Everyone went on with their lives,
Everyone moved on,
Everyone lived,
Except you.

At least that's what it felt like.
Today you woke up with tears in your eyes,
You don't know what caused it or how it happened, but you knew it was coming,
The day you couldn't get out of bed you paused to look back on all the wrong turns you took,
The right decisions that changed colors,
The peace you sowed,
The anguish you reaped.

Lately your guardian angel seems to be on a prolonged sabbatical,
And keeping your shit together is a hard math problem you haven't yet learned to solve,
Today even the music couldn't drown out the noises,
Today the devil is loud.

Today home is a strange land,
And friends are awkward company,
Today you became conscious of how far up the heavens are,
Today you doubted if he ever heard your prayers,
*Were you loud enough? *

And everything came crashing down on a Tuesday afternoon,
The pressure finally broke you,
You feel less of a person, don't you?
It's as if you played hooky on the day they were handing out good luck.

I wish I could finish this on a hopeful note,
But this isn't a hopeful note,
It is an ordinary day,
A Tuesday afternoon,
Everyone moved on,
Everyone lived,
The world woke up on

-the day you couldn't get out of bed.
@MenAce7 Open / Comment

2022-04-03 20:01:34 -To The Orphan I Wish I Was A Father To:- I knew your dad. I still cringe using the past tense when I talk about him. See you've grown up without a father, But I still haven't been able to accept his passing. I keep telling myself he's out of town on a trip… Open / Comment

2022-03-27 08:42:08 Ordinary Person: So, where were we...?
Writer: I don't know you tell me...
Ordinary person (Visibly frustrated): Fine, let me check my notes
Writer: Hey, can I take a bite from the apple?
Ordinary person (Looking for the notes): Oh those? Those are not real. They are just there for...decoration.
Writer: Decoration?
Ordinary person: Yeah gives the room more life
Writer: Life?
Ordinary person: Yes that is what I just said
Writer: Wouldn't a real apple be better for that purpose?
Ordinary person: But a real one would perish...
Writer (Air quotting): Isn't that 'life'?
Ordinary Person: It will rot...
Writer (Cutting off): Won't we all?
Ordinary person (Ignoring the cut off): ...and I just got this tablecloth. I don't want it ruined, it is pretty expensive.
Writer: So why not avoid the fruit all together.
Ordinary person: Again, It gives it life...
Writer (Saying together): *It gives it life*...ahhh. Gotcha.

*Silence*

Writer: So you trick everyone you talk to with fake plastic cut outs?
Ordinary person (Still looking for the notes): No one tricked you, you decided to go for something fake.
Writer: So I should've known better?
Ordinary person: Perhaps...
Writer: Hmm
Ordinary person (Looking up): What?
Writer: Nothing
Ordinary person: No tell me.
Writer: I said it's nothing.
Ordinary person: You always have something to say.
Writer (flustered): Not always.
Ordinary person: Wait, did I make you speechless.
Writer (More flustered): What makes you say that?
Ordinary person: Well I was waiting for a response and it never came. And you always have something to counter my ideas by.
Writer: Hmm
Ordinary person (Pushing the notes aside): I did make you speechless. So you do have an off switch. Well this is turning out to be a very good day isn't it?
Writer: Let's not get carried away now. We should get back to your notes.
Ordinary person: Don't change the subject!
Writer: Speaking of change...You know, you have changed a lot since I first met you.
Ordinary person: Yeah? How so?
Writer (Smiling): Well for one, you just made me speechless.
Ordinary person (Visibly satisfied): Aha! Knew it.

*Silence*
*Ordinary person goes back to the notes*

Ordinary person (Looking up): Why though?
Writer: Why what?
Ordinary person: Why didn't you have anything to say.
Writer: Maybe I am too biased to comment on the subject
Ordinary person:
Writer: Maybe I try to trick everyone I talk to with my own version of fake plastic cut outs.
Ordinary person: Even me?
Writer (Avoiding eye contact): Perhaps...
Ordinary person: Hmm

*Silence*

Writer: So, where were we...?
Ordinary person: Ahh yes. You were about to tell me what you fear the most in life...

@MenAce7 Open / Comment

2022-03-17 08:13:50 Here is what they don't tell you about grief:
When you are standing on a taxi queue and someone touches your shoulder by accident,
when you are walking and the bag you are carrying gets a little bit heavier,
when the sun is shining at noon and you are trying to find a spot to hide in,
that's when it sneaks in and hits on you.
Because the thing about grief is it never comes when it's suppose to.

I pressed resume and went back to the screen I was watching the minute I knew you were gone.
Come to think of it she never actually said it out loud.
And I pretended I didn't understand what her eyes were screaming just for a few minutes of normalcy.
Before. And after.

What they don't tell you about grief is that it's like a burning fire.
And you would flinch and go further from it if the least bit of flame touched you.
You run.
And I ran.
If she hadn't told me she wouldn't be able to stop me if I ran, I guess I would probably be still running.
Was I walking?

What they don't acknowledge about grief is that it gets so loud inside once you realize bits of it.
A loud screeching voice.
And you can only scream to stop it.
Nobody warns you when you do, your scream gets reciprocated and you hear a louder version of it.
Make - it - stop - please!

Someone should have told me to write your story.
I don't like what they came up with.
Granted, I don't remember it.
But also, I'm pretty sure I don't like it.
I should have written it.

Because what they don't say when they 'commomerate death' is everytime you hear your loved one's name being screamed, they take all the breath and tear you have to offer with it.
Bit by bit.

They say 'unable are the loved to die'
when really it's those who are left with the loss that get killed.
So.
I wonder.
Do you live through me,
or did I die when you did?

Because what they don't tell you with absence is, it's always the little things.
Like when you are trying to put a glass on the top shelf you can't reach, and it slips.
You shatter it to pieces.
And then,
You
Simply
Break
Along
With
It.

I wonder.
Whatever happened to your clothes?
And why are all these photos blurry?
But hey, thank God for that video I took as a joke
which reminds me, I should take one of everybody.

Because what they don't tell you when you lose someone is,
it's a scar on your forehead, for everyone to see.

And what they don't tell you about a funeral is, it'll take you years to actually attend
to go down that memory lane.
And when you finally do, you die again.

【Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night - Edna St Vincent Millay】


#RANDOM_THOUGHTS Open / Comment

2022-02-22 15:57:28 Here is for that time that you were so happy that you thought you would die in heaven,
Here is for that time you thought life lead up to a moment,
Here is for the time that you thought God smiled,
Here is for the time that passed...

Here is for the days that didn't kill you,
Here is for that time that you were so sad that you thought you would die in your bed,
Here is for the nights you played your funeral on repeat,
Here is for the nights you prayed for your funeral on repeat,
Here is for the time that passed...

Here is for the nights that didn't make you,
For the bursts of motivation that didn't change you,
For the books that didn't teach you,
Here is for the inconsistency of the world,
For the things forgotten when morning came,
Here is for the time that passed...

-Here is for the unfinished poems.
@MenAce7 Open / Comment

2022-02-13 15:57:07 I

I sometimes wish I could spy on the voices in your head
and see what they think about me

and I know I could just ask but
why ask when I can play detective

it’s sad to think

it is really sad to think

you are stuck with a man
who wasn’t taught how to grow up

I play hide and seek with consequence
and I don’t want to drag you into my stupid games
but tag
you’re it
I’ll be in the corner
waiting for your touch


II

I heard you talk to the voices in your head
often

more often than you talk to me
I sometimes wish I could overhear

I play jump rope with paranoia
you tie a noose in the distance
you shall be the death of me

and I don’t want to drag you into my stupid games
but hey
i’m yours
I’ll sit in the corner
hanging on

to the voices in your head you talk to often
tell them I don’t mean half the things I say


III

And you tell me things thrice just so I could believe you
my bad,
I was waiting for you take your first
‘I love you’ back

I wish I was a voice in your head
I would tell you
to say it more often

maybe we could start over
play pretend for a while
and I don’t want to drag you into my games
but greetings,
I’m confidence

to the voices in your head you talk to when I'm not around
tell them I mean it when I say:

I hate the way I love
I hate the way I love
I hate the way I love

-you (III)
@MenAce7 Open / Comment

2022-01-24 19:30:57 Oh sweet Persephone; Locked inside a cell Who would be brave enough to tell you, That the flowers you loved, Those kinds don't grow in hell. -Dear Persephone @MenAce7 Open / Comment

2021-12-19 09:40:23 Dear God,

Every now and then I wonder.

Once Job's patience was proven after losing everything he had,
when you reinstated and gave him back in folds
has he ever asked for his first children back?
In his second life you restarted
so he could live happily,
has he ever wept for his first ones,
for the things that used to be?

Forgive me father, if my bold questions scream the borderlines of sin
but Job's broken heart, did it ever heal?


#RANDOM_THOUGHTS Open / Comment

2021-12-16 19:37:44 I guess I'm meant to go through life
Like a drunk in a bar.
Making music out of broken furniture,
Painting scars on souls, making art.
I guess I'm meant to walk alone,
Like the dreamless caterpillar,
And if you see me slither back to your heart,
Lock your doors, loved one,
I have no wings in me.
I guess I'm just a grenade who lost his pin.
Perhaps at the end of it all,
We'll meet at an intersection,
Have a sit down under the sun.
Perhaps when it's all over I'll come clean
About how the world killed the boy you once loved
Into the man he is today.
And if tomorrow ever comes I hope you say farewell to the words I drew on your walls.
I guess nothing lasts forever
Our 'nothing' lasted.

-I had too much to drink.
@MenAce7 Open / Comment

2021-12-03 10:37:59 Brought up in a world where they promised they are holding on to you until you are of age to stand alone,
that the grip is only to make you stronger,
the rules were made for a calm tomorrow,
for a better future
momma, I grew up.

In a give and take system
where the incentives don't make a lot of sense
but I did the activities anyway, because momma you told me they expected it out of me.
You expected it out of me.
So I did, because I was told.

I counted until the years I didn't quite understand,
the years I haven't quite lived passed
because when that ends you told me I could choose,
that I would be of knowledge to do exactly what I want.
Because you said when the time comes, I would know what I want
that I would be wise
and that I would live
so until then, I held.

I excelled on all the things I have never understood
because it was on the requirement section.
And you told me I would understand the 'why' later
so in hopes for tommorow, I spent today answering given questions.
Because tomorrow would come.
And when it does I would know how to get answers for all my questions.
But for today, for now all I had to do was abide by the rules and stay on top of things.
So I did.

A long leash for today, so I won't fall when I fly tomorrow.
When I grow up
when the vast sky is something I can bear.

But, only, tommorow is here.

And all my promised freedoms are just that. Promises.
Why didn't you tell me freedom of choice was restrained by the choices themselves?
That the vast sky that looked like it had everything was filled with nothing.
Look ma! Tomorrow is here,
only I wish it wasn't.
And I look at yesterday that I considered today for so long,
the time I spent on waiting, and ask myself "is that what I miss?"

Because momma I grew up.
And I wish I hadn't.


#RANDOM_THOUGHTS Open / Comment