Scribbles

2021-11-30 20:59:22 A Tuesday afternoon was not a place for your kind,
A rainy day was not your style.
Call it fate .
Call it God,
I went to church when i first saw you .

A rainy afternoon was not your cup of tea,
Morning daisy,
Call it coincidence.
Call it an accident.
Call an ambulance,
I broke my bones falling for you.

And your timing was wrong in the right way.
Call it Cupid getting messy.
Call it a crime.
Call the cops,
A rainy day died because you showed.
And along came the sun,
Along came you.

-Summertime in Heaven (ድርብ ደስታ)
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2021-11-23 23:01:54 When you’re helpless and alone,
I hope time shows the same grace,
you showed her on your better days.

-something from the notepad #18
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2021-10-26 20:03:37 -something from the notepad #17
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2021-10-11 21:32:29 ...And when all good things die,
I hope I find you to be an exception.

-something from the notepad #16
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2021-10-07 18:23:11 I didn't mean to intrude,
But I had to...,
Someone had to.
I fell in love at our first conversation, but you only talked about him.
I'm confused of who I love
The lover in you..?
The mourner in you...?
The broken you.

And everything reminds you of him.
Last time we slow-danced at sunset, you told me it was his favourite song.
And the fact that we're the same height didn't help.
I sometimes think you think about him when you close your eyes...
I know your heaven is a second with him,
Everything reminds you of him,
And when they don't
You think about how they don't remind you of him.

...Cause I'm confused of who I really love
The you that was made by him...?
The lonely in you...?
The broken you.

I know I'm a tenant in your heart
But I'd give anything to be him for a minute if that makes you happy
I sometimes wonder if I come up in your conversations just like he does in ours.

The lover in you...?
The black and white in the your blue faces...?
Your multiple faces.

I know I'm a wall coming between you and his ghost
But he still finds a way to get through
I hear his words whenever you speak;
He left a scar in you.
He left a mark.

The lover in you fell for a god
And I'm a mortal man in the mood for blasphemy
I made the mistake of trying to repaint his masterpiece.

Love is just a word in your head,
And sympathy forces me to stay put
But I'm facing pity today
And don't get me wrong,
I know it's not a competition
We don't even match.

I didn't mean to intrude,
But someone had to.
It was never a competition...
I was not myself in your eyes
My loss is nailed in the coffin see,
Cause I'm a mere mortal man,
And your god,
Died.

I can never outlive his death.
To the mourner in you....

-If the grave could speak, it'd tell you to move on.
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2021-10-02 10:38:54 【I picked one of your husbands and wrote him a letter.】

Your widow, she is married now.
Actually she has been married a couple of times after you.
Some did right by her.
And some have wronged her completely.
But she has managed to outlive every one of them.

Your widow, she sang at your funeral and read poetry.
I guess it would settle some part of you to know she still remembers you.
She does.
Sometimes she recites the poems she wrote you in her sleep.
And I know this because I sleep with her.
That was how I came to know you.

*ማረክን እንዳይሉ ሰው የለ በእጃቸው
ገደልን እንዳይሉ ሞቶ ጠበቃቸው
ምን ይሉ እንግሊዞች ሲገቡ ሀገራቸው?*

ካሳ።
There has been no official ceremony but your widow, I think she is my bride now.
And I don't know how you managed to stay in this marriage without couple's therapy but I don't think I have it in me to stay with her.

Everything is the way you remember it.
Those people that were divided amongst themselves and fought,
those people you tried to conquer?
Still there, only with different faces.
Those people you tried to send to work to change your widow's life?
Still sitting, manifesting hate.
And that corruption you tried so hard to get rid?
Still standing at the top of your widow's head.
Every single thing is the way you remember it, if not worse.

*ታሪኩን የማያውቅ ትውልድ አይደል ያለፈ ስህተቱን የሚደግመው?*

And your widow, she has so many children from different fathers.
I guess you knew that about her.
But did they always fought and tried to kill each other?

And somehow as an aspiring man of your widow's house, all her burdens worry me.
But everytime I try and carry the load she does, it breaks me.
And I am not sure I have it in me to get mended anymore.

Your widow, she sleep cries every night.
What terrifies me though, is the smile she has when she remembers you.
You who died for her pain.
And everytime you bring smile to her face from the dead
I worry for what's out there waiting for me...
ገድላህ ጀግና ያለችህ ሀገር
ገድላኝ ጀግኒት ትለኝ ይሆን?

-ዳግማዊ ቴዎድሮስ


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2021-09-29 18:53:42 -Dedicated to all the songs that kept me company while writing this-

[Opening Guitar]

Time is what truth wears when she's feeling a little modest. When she's a little tipsy on a date night. Best believe everything is getting stripped off by the end of the day.

[Saxophone Interlude]

And I don't know why I write when I don't have much to say. In a way it's my way of taking a deep breath to remind myself I'm still alive. And my heart hates me sometimes, says i separated him from his true love: silence.

[Selah]

I don't know why I write when I have nothing to say. I don't know why I write passively.
I'm scared if i write myself it'd make everything that is happening to me real. And plus,
The devil knows how to read.

[Ominous Violin]

A writer on a writer's block is trapped in his own silence. See silence scares me. That's when you start hearing things. The dinner table and my bedroom at 4 AM are the loudest places I never want to be in.

[Selah]

I believe time is the worst invention that the human species ever made. The expectations that come with the change of seasons is what crippled society. Living the winter in the summer days is what I'm taught to do. The fear of winter rain ruins the peace I find under the sun. Time is for the bright minds. I believe ignorance is bliss. And bliss demands a lot of stupidity.

[Flute interlude]

I get philosophical cause introspection scares me. I prefer a flashlight over a mirror any day. An essay over a poem. Music over silence.

Death doesn't scare me. But I'm terrified of how others would react to my passing. A stupid notion but it's true. I wish to attend at my own funeral.

[Drum solo]

Death doesn't scare me. I will be seen when I'm gone. Cause truth will strip away what she hid someday. You'll hear about me when I leave.

[Choir Crescendo]

But cheer up, chin up. My song's about to end... I think It'll get better. I'm not quite sure how but it usually does. I thought I had much more to say but you get it right... I had to breathe for a moment... And I don't know how to make you happy at the moment cause I'm unhappy myself. I can't tell where you're coming from... I don't know where I'm going as well. Pain is the darkness that persisted, it made you think you're blind but I'll be damned if I don't burn myself one last time to show you the light. It gets better. Just play the next song....

[Opening Guitar]

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2021-09-27 17:18:29 For your eyes, I turned to the papers for that.
The first time I told you my deepest, darkest secret and saw the sickening look in your eyes,
ever since then I have chosen the papers to vent out.
With a little pretentious words and a funny tone every now and then
I tell you about the demons I'm battling with
I write it all on the paper.
And with those same eyes that looked at me in disgust
after hearing my story
I'll be damned if you don't read my deepest darkest part and call them poetry.

【I write for your eyes.】


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2021-09-24 02:18:58 The Bohemian Combobulation (Slang):

Death of the naïve. The censor for the to do lists. Maturity of the child. When life decides to hit and run a dreamer. When circumstances run over a sprinter. A caged bird, hopeful nonetheless. A bird pinned to the ground, gazing to the skies nonetheless.

-Word #004
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2021-09-08 18:15:07 Heavenly father,
I am back with more questions…
All knowing one show wisdom to this finite mind…
Tell me if you really are an ally,
Do you really stand beside sinners or do they say that just to gain followers?
Heavenly father, speaking of…Why do you beg for followers?
Why would a creator have the need to own his own creations…? Who do you have to prove yourself to?

Heavenly father are you an ally or are you a threat? Cause recently fear and paranoia is the music I listen to. Cause recently I almost killed a man…Recently I look over my shoulders when I’m not at home and recently I see your image creeping around every corner. I see you in your children, God, and I don’t like what I see…

Heavenly father, I have questions Let’s see if you really have all the answers…What gives you the right to do as you please? They tell me that my prayers are ingredients for blasphemy but who else would I trust with my thoughts but you? You gave me this brain, and I know you expect me to use it.

You gave me a brain. You gave me the disease. Cause I tend to see things when they are not there, and I don’t like what I see. Is psychosis just another word for spirit interaction? Did I misunderstand myself? Are you like me? The one above all, do you too get lost in your head? Cause recently I almost killed a man, he was holding a knife…he had it coming, and he looked just like you.

Heavenly father the one above. A God. And I know you're a drunk writer who never edits so maybe I'm the grammar mistake in your perfect page, I go out of character at times, I guess you can say the verb doesn't quite agree with the subject,
Your subject.
And the tip of your pen seems to stab recently And your hammer just destroys,
An author,
Above all,
A God.

Heavenly father, I have questions, and I know not all questions are meant to be asked just as all questions are not meant to be answered…
But I’ll ask anyway
If you created everything,
Then you created evil too,
And I know that's as dumb as assuming that the guy who made cars created car accidents
But rationality exists the equation when things get personal
Cause God, I wouldn’t hesitate to kill that damned car inventor if it means I get to see my son again. Taking a life is not strange as it used to be. Cause recently I almost killed a man…but would it mean disrespect to your commandments if I did it in self-defense…?

Self-defense, I need self-defense…

Heavenly father, fear motivates me. And I am partly sure it motivates you as well…Why else would you be at war with your children? See we might be alike you and I, I fear people. Is that what heaven is…A refuge? A place of solitude? Home? I have questions…Do you have answers?

Can a judge ever be held accountable?

Heavenly father, who am I in your books? What part do I play? Am I the adversary to your heroes? A stepping stone for somebody great, A goliath to a sheepherder? Cause I tend to see things when they are not there…But I’m sure I see you.

Heavenly father, kill my adversaries. Kill my goliaths. Let them not stand once they’re down. Kill for me. Let me have the upper hand… Let me rise in your pages, sink my enemies.

Judge of all, life is not fair and I don’t expect you to be too. Cause taking a life is not strange as it used to be. Cause recently I almost killed a man…I tend to see things when they are not there…but I’m certain I almost took a life, He had a pen for a knife he was creeping around a corner. I saw you in him. I saw me

Self-defense, I need self-defense…

Heavenly father, I’m my own enemy. I’m my own goliath. I tend to see things when they are not there. Save me from myself. I have questions if you have answers, show wisdom to this finite mind. Tell me who I am. Tell me if I’m an ally. Cause recently I almost killed a man, and he looked just like me.


Forever yours without a choice,
Amen.

-Prayers Of a Schizophrenic
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